Dear Pupil,

We look forward to your return to school.

You have been allocated room 3 and will be in group 39. You will have an adult that will supervise you and the rest of your group all day. The adult won’t be your teacher although sometimes it might be.

Your arrival slot will be 8:47 precisely. Please wait in square H8 on the back playground. Ideally, this should be without a parent. Upon arrival, wait to be called in by the caretaker. She will be wearing full PPE so you’ll easily recognise her.

You don’t need to bring a bag with books in as these need to be left at home. Any bags that are brought into the building will be confiscated and incinerated. You won’t be doing PE either so leave your kit at home too.

As you walk into the building, you will be asked to sign a waiver form so your family can’t sue the school for any sickness or death that may aftect members of your family after returning to school. Nothing to worry about.

Safety adults will be lined up in all the corridors to ensure you remain 2 metres apart as you make your way to your assigned room. Please wash your hands every time you pass the temporary hand wash stations. You should pass about three before you reach your room.

Your assigned adult will greet you at the door. Please make sure you wait to be called into the room. Your chair grid reference is D2. All chairs have been labelled to make it easier to find. Please don’t touch your table at this stage. Fold your arms to avoid the temptation and await further instruction.

Once your group has settled into the room the adult will commence pre-lesson hygiene protocols involving hand wipes, nasal sprays, masks and what to do if you need to sneeze. Please listen carefully. You will be allocated disposable pencils that must be thrown in the yellow hospital bin next the door after every session.

Your first lesson is booked in for 9:36 before pack down protocols kick in at approximately 10:06. Follow the instructions on how to end the lesson safely. All hands must be washed before leaving the room. Your break time will start when this procedure has been completed. Anyone that sneezes in the lesson will be asked to undergo a further medical assessment before leaving the room.

You must make your way to your playground where you can play in your space (H8). You are allowed to wave at your friends and shout as much as you like. We will be recommending that you use this time to exercise. The Star Jump and Press Up challenge can be found on YouTube. Follow the link that was emailed to you.

Break time will end with three short, sharp blasts from the WW2 siren Mr Higgins borrowed from the local museum. Please stand still and wait for a cleansing adult to spray you down with a fine mist disinfectant. Remember to close your eyes.

When your name is called, please make your way back to your allocated room (remember to wash your hands at every hand wash station).

Your second lesson is booked in for 10:54. The same safety procedures as the first session must be applied.

All pupils must stay in their allocated seats for lunch time. Please use your cleaning packs provided to thoroughly clean your table before eating lunch. Your adult will also provide large wet wipes to place on your table as an extra precaution. After lunch, you will be allowed outside to exercise once more.

Your third lesson is booked in for 12:56. We can’t guarantee you’ll have the same adult in your room after lunch.

Due to the number of pupils that need to leave the building for home time, we have allocated you an exit time of 2:28. Please make your way to H8 where you will be collected and taken to the green zone where your nominated, pre-tested parent will find you.

It’s recommended that you and your family wash your clothes and shoes when you arrive home. Your nominated parent will have some sterilised clothes for you to wear afterwards.

Please do not worry about coming back to school. It will be fine. Our 78 page risk assessment has been signed off by the Chair of Governors. However, if you choose to stay at home for the next few weeks and enjoy the sunshine and continue to enjoy home learning activities and other experiences, then please feel free to do so.

See you all on Monday.

Fake Headteacher

Fake Headteacher book