Fake Headteacher: Updated Pay Policy – Newsletter No.19

Dear Staff,

Thank you so much for working so hard during the first few weeks of term. I have heard a few of you raising your voices in the classroom this week, which can only mean the honeymoon period is over. I am sure you are already thinking about half-term and discussing what other jobs you could be doing instead with your family.

Stick with it though because I have some exciting news about your working conditions.

I have recently realised how much money each and every one of you are saving the school. In fact, you have contributed to tens of thousands of pounds being saved over the year (if not hundreds of thousands).

Let me explain.

You are legally bound to work 1,265 directed hours every year.
This equates to 32.5 hours a week (see your payslip).
And because you work 50 hours a week, that’s 17.5 hours a week you work for free.
Over 39 school term weeks, you work 682.5 hours for free.
And when you divide the 682.5 hours you work for free over the year,
this equates to 21 weeks you work for free.

Mind you, to be honest, you do get long holidays where you sit around doing very little. So actually, I should take away nine weeks worth of hours from the 682.5 hours you work for free (I won’t include the other 4 weeks as everyone else gets paid this as holiday – 13 weeks school holiday in total).
So, nine weeks worth of holiday hours equates to 292.5 hours over the year (9 weeks x 32.5 hours).

That’s a lot of salary for not doing much eh.
I will subtract these hours from the 682.5 hours you work for free each year.
This still equates to a whopping 390 hours you still work for free.

So, 390 hours equates to 12 weeks working for me for free (390 divided by 32.5 hour week). That’s 3 months of your own time that you somehow squeeze into the school year – for free. Your family must be so proud of you.

However, a special mention must go to the teachers who are working 55 hours a week.
You are working a massive 22.5 hours a week for free.
Using the above formula, that equates to 585 free hours you work for me.
This equates to 15 weeks you work for free.
Thank you.

And for the teachers who work 60 hours a week.
Well, what can I say. You have saved me so much money, I can’t begin to explain.
You are working a massive 27.5 hours a week extra for free!
Using the same formula, that equates to 780 free hours you work for me.
This equates to 24 weeks you work for free.
Wow.

Thank you so much.
Book scrutinies, lesson observations, learning walks, staff meetings, coaching plans, mentoring plans, action plans, team meetings and pupil progress meetings will continue as normal this term. I just need to read through some resignation letters that have appeared on my desk first.

I am sure some bright spark will pick me up on my calculations but I don’t mind. I love the fact you work so many hours for free. Well done all of you. I don’t know why teachers are looking for 9-5 jobs – it sounds very dull.

All the best,
Fake Headteacher
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