Fake Headteacher: Behaviour – Newsletter No.11

Dear Staff,

It’s been a while since I have written a newsletter. I have been very busy downloading school policies that I have simply added our school name to and passed them off as my own.

I would like to address some of the behaviour problems we no longer have in our school.

We used to have behaviour issues but since I introduced my complicated behaviour flow chart, children are no longer sent to my room. Below, is the scaled down version. The original one is six pages long. Please remember, if you can’t control extreme behaviour on a daily basis, I will put you on a coaching program.

If you send me a child because you need a break from the disruption and urgently require me to give them a rollicking, I will simply send them back after ten minutes. I’m sure you understand how busy I am. However, if my iPad is charged, I will let them play on that. It’s easier.

Remember, the first rule of dealing with bad behaviour is: we don’t talk about bad behaviour.


You don’t have time to nurture children in the same way you used to. You could afford to spend time concentrating on their social skills – often realising it was more important to focus on their social skills before tackling academic progress. However, with regular pupil progress meetings, you must now show that all children are making good progress.

I appreciate many children arrive at school already stressed due to poor parenting (not providing proper breakfast, not listening to them read, always arguing, no PE kit etc), but this should not make any difference. The parallel class, with very supportive parents will make good progress. Your class will make the same progress. A stressful home environment does not make a difference to pupils’ mindset. Well that’s I what I keep getting told.

If you have to regularly take your class to the library because you have children who need to be restrained or who are very disruptive, it shouldn’t affect your data. Your data still has to be very good. I realise, due to lack of funds, we can’t replace your TA but I repeat, your data has to be very good still. Perhaps you could make your lessons more exciting?

If your current class did not make sufficient progress the previous year, due to very poor behaviour that I know nothing about because you’re too scared to tell me, you must make up the progress. Please catch up and move them forward even further so they reach expected progress.

Please ensure any children who are behind miss out on their favourite lessons in the afternoon such as music, art, history, PE etc. Put them in a variety of intervention groups. This will inspire the children even further and I am sure it will not fuel their resentment towards school in any way. I am sure they will understand and it will help to reduce their stress levels.

Last week a member of staff claimed that although her class data looked poor, her class had made excellent progress. I was flabbergasted with this statement.

She claimed that her class now come in after break peacefully ready to learn. Apparently, nobody storms out of class mid lesson, slamming doors in the process.

She said that children now positively attempt some work rather than refuse to have a go.  She claims that her class are really proud of their handwriting now after spending time every day focusing on it.

She spent every afternoon following a social skills program to help children learn to tolerate their differences and show respect to one another. She claimed this is good progress. It took time, but she thought it was worth it.

I disagree. Our online tracking software says differently. They still don’t know what subordinating conjunctions are or how to use fronted adverbials. This is not good enough.

Just to remind you, pupil progress meetings are next week. Prove to me you know where your children are and how to help them make double the progress necessary to keep the pressure off me.

Remember, the first rule of dealing with bad behaviour is: we don’t talk about bad behaviour.

Fake Headteacher



3 thoughts on “Fake Headteacher: Behaviour – Newsletter No.11

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